Daddy's in the alley He's lookin' for food I'm in the kitchen With the tombstone blues

I've decided to try on vegan for a little while, see if it fits. I have been reading and researching this for some time and besides the obvious animal cruelty case I've discovered it really is so much healthier! I can get just as many proteins going meatless and dairy less and with none of the added hormones, toxins, cholesterol and the list goes on...I feel more compelled to venture out on this limb than ever due to the heart problems that run in my family, namely as of recent with my grandpa. Knowing how he's suffering I can't consciously choose to hurt my body any longer or put a hold on this healthy life that I am looking so forward to living. I'm only telling you four special people unless absolutely necessary to make it known to anyone else. This is something I need to do for me and I've been excitedly researching every vegan resource and recipe out there with intent to start this journey in my life tomorrow! Can't wait to see the changes and realizations that await!

I'll keep you posted! :)

Bets

I couldn’t see where we were goin’ But you said you knew an’ I took your word

Currently listening to Ray LaMontagne and reading the "missed connections" section of craigslist, mmmmmmmm. (Yes, these are things I fill my free time with.) Here are a couple good ones I found...

"Raver girl at Dunkin Donuts this morning - m4w - m4w - 30 (Clark and Belmont)

watched you crossing the street this morning as I was locking up my bicycle. I went and grabbed a coffee across the street while you were in the Dunkin' Donuts. When I came out you were crossing the street and I found myself strangely attracted to your youthful club kid style: oversized kahki pants, tank top with a little skin showing, short hair, and huge yellow headphones. Mmmm. Summery."

"Passion,Love,Heart Ache - w4m - 25 (Chicago)

A- You mean everything to me. I can't wait to be in your arms.

Love,

K"

I often find myself pondering the "missed connections" in my own life, there is so much beauty in these fleeting moments. I have been reading about living your entire existence in the NOW and this in essence means you will seize every opportunity because your mind is so consumed in the moment that nothing else matters, past or future. This is such a difficult concept for me because anybody that knows me well knows that I'm such a sentimental soul and feel so deeply for the nostalgia in my life. This can be especially hard when trying to live in the here and now. Yet another thing I always feel like I'm treading against is this whole notion of not fully arriving in my relationship with Patrick because we're not in the same city, because of this I'm always looking on to that day we will be together.

Don't get me wrong, there are definitely moments in my life that I get glimpses of what it means to truely feel alive, to really embrace the NOW, these come and go in waves but I know certain things that trigger them - my 6 am bike rides to work through the empty streets of logan and wickerpark every morning, oh the peacefulness, the wind in my hair, the feeling of oneness with this beautiful city. I always feel like it's my daily communion with Chicago, it brings me so much comfort. Another one of these moments is when I'm driving (especially in the old Volvo) listening to Bob Dylan or Beatles or Belle&Sebastian with Billy, just listening, enjoying eachother and creating a movie script moment yet unaware of it. I am so grateful for the glimpses of the NOW that I so desperately need in my mind and in my life. I've been trying to control my thoughts as of late and be a spectator of them, letting them happen but not letting them control me or my emotions. It's so hard, I wonder if I'll ever get it right...

It's those flutters of missed connections, the anticipation of new ones that leave their traces on my heart in such a way that makes me long to travel more than anything to meet new people, take those connections and cultivate them into friendships, this is what excites me! That is definitely the other thing I can always rely on to live in the NOW to take advantage of those connections - TRAVEL. Oh, I miss it already, where to next......?

People carry roses Make promises by the hours My love she laughs like the flowers Valentines can’t buy her

This week has been so grueling, 12 hour days can really add up fast. My UNO design is on the brink of launching to the international market for their 40th anniversary and I'm doing everything in my power to make that happen. I love discovering new things about myself or doing things I didn't know I had in me, it's amazing to me the difference that CONFIDENCE makes in so many endeavors in life but especially when trying to sell a game. (I'm still just figuring all this out.) It's also so interesting only working with people who are at least twice my age, I like it. Ya know something I've never understood though, those people who think that they have to belittle you in order to make themselves look better, don't they realize it just makes them look so much worse and embarrasses everyone around them? Not only that I don't desire to surround myself with those types of people at all, they have such a negative energy about them that I am beyond appalled by. I guess that's why I don't and won't get along with every one though. This is something I'm still trying to live with and understand fully no matter how true I know it to be I just love the thought of everyone getting along. What can I say a true idealist I guess.

So I would LOVE to share one of my favorite feelings in the world with you all right now in hopes that you can relate and it stirs some longings within your hearts as it does in mine....

Getting new books!

So much untouched knowledge, so much adventure, so many unexperienced realizations and thrills....

I can't wait to dig in!!! (This UNO deadline can't come soon enough!)

Ain't it just like the night to play tricks when you're tryin to be so quiet...

I keep having this reoccurring dream that I go to pull my hair away from my face and it starts falling out in clumps, or am I pulling it out? Anyways, on another cheery note...I stop into the village discount tonight after one of the hardest and most rewarding weeks at work in my entire career and as I walk in one of the employees takes my big free people bag. I tell him I'd pefer to carry it and that it's not a donation, but he just chuckles and brings it around his counter. I think "Ok whatever" and proceed to spend the next 45 minutes looking for crazy gaga outfits for a photoshoot that Patrick and I have tomorrow. When I go to the checkout I notice that there is noone behind the counter and that man who insisted on taking my bag is nowhere to be found. What I soon discover (after we finally find him 10 minutes later) is that my bag with over $200 worth of clothes/accessories in it (including my beloved running shoes that have carried me through so many journeys with my mom) has been stolen. Now how ironic is this?! The guy takes the bag away from me so I can't steal anything and then allows my bag to get stolen. So I'm standing there yelling, bawling, so frustrated. Now he is supposed to be coming to my apartment at 11 tonight with a $200 check, yeah, right, let's just say I'm not holding my breath...

It's times like these when I have to force myself to look at the bigger picture here to try to gather some worldly perspective on it all, to realize that it could have been worse but right now I am just so fucking pissed!!!!!!! Biking home weeping is not the safest route.

Does everybody feel this way sometimes or is it just me? Like your whole world is crashing in on you and you can't believe you're getting screwed over again?!?!?

Sometimes I wonder...

There is nothing so stable as change. - Bob Dylan

I want to set out a purpose for this blog upfront, that in someway committing to "paper" all these ideas, contradictions, dreams and fears that I have will somehow actualize them for me and because of these new realizations I would take action. I also hope that the people I choose to tell this blog about would hold me accountable to my lofty desires and dreams for this life as you all are the dearest friends I'll ever have. I love you and want you to know that this opening up of myself is selfish in many respects because of my perspective of "trying to figure out what it all means for me" but at the same time it is about keeping you all updated with the inner workings of my heart and life. I'm viewing this as a therapeutic outlet and also a motivator to always be taking action based on my beliefs (whatever those may be) and to be ever evolving and changing as every artist should. The quotes I will choose to make my headers for these posts will be Dylan's words that have impacted my life so much through the years time and time again. I hope you enjoy/get excited/feel burdened with me throughout this journey as I'm struggling all the time to make sense of it all. Thanks for reading this, thinking of and loving me.